My employee evaluation turned into a nightmare yesterday when my boss brought up the fact that I have a blog. I was shocked. I’ve never kept it a secret, but don’t use my full name, and it seemed so unlikely he’d ever have come across it. Apparently it appeared I had written some of the entries at work, even posting a picture of my work station. I had also used the phrase “drug-addled brain” referring to being at work. I couldn’t breathe. I was too shocked to defend myself, too hurt and betrayed to do much more than fight tears for the rest of the meeting.
On my break I looked through my blog on my phone, out of curiosity. It has been months since I’ve posted anything and although “drug-addled brain” sounds like a phrase I would use, and I do remember posting a picture of my work station, I couldn’t remember specifically…
What I found, in my most recent post, was that I wrote a couple haiku at work. I was scribbling occasionally on scrap paper, 4 little tiny poems, that was it, on a very slow weekend day in the summer. I did not compose an entire entry on my computer at work. I removed mention of work from that entry and the picture, which I think I had from Romney day when we were all taking pictures, I’m not sure. But whatever. I could not find an entry where I discussed trying to work while still feeling confused by medications, but all I do in the blog is talk about medications. I name every single medication I take. I also tend to use hyperbole in my writing, because it’s MY writing and my blog and that is my choice, but now I have to defend the fact that I have never, EVER been too altered from any type of medication to do my job properly.
The truth is I am stunned that someone I know read these entries and instead of understanding what it might be like to live with a chronic illness, or feeling sympathy regarding the amount of pain I deal with, they decided to try to get me in trouble. I have only used my first name, but I did put in the “about me” section where I live and work at Parks & Rec, because I have felt fairly proud of that (now there is no town listed, just Ohio). I guess it never occurred to me that I could be in any danger because I assumed anyone reading would care about me and not twist my words to try to make me seem in opposition to City policy. Most of the entries discuss how much I hate missing work. I never say anything bad about anyone I work with, or even mention them really. The blog is in order to vent frustration and make others with chronic illness feel as though they are not alone. Now I find myself feeling more alone than ever.
I have been very sad about my current schedule at work and have been working toward getting it changed so that I can spend more time with my family. Instead I think I will aim toward trying to get another job by the time Zo is in kindergarten, no matter how well this one suits me. I don’t want to continue working in an environment where people sift carefully through employees’ blogs looking for red flags.
Seriously, person, how could you? What have I done to you that you could look at these screens and screens of anguish and pain and not get the whole picture, that I’m in misery and trying to make my life better? I scribble a couple of haiku at work, mention still being on medication in a work setting and you CONTACT MY BOSS?! Really? My god, this silly little blog doesn’t even have subscribers. It’s my coping method, and a way of reaching out to others going through the same thing. I am not gaining anything from it, financially or otherwise.
If you wanted to break my spirit, you succeeded. If you wanted to force me out, you might eventually succeed at that too. Whatever I did to make you hate me, or whatever bad things are going on in your own life to make you try to ruin the lives of others, I can’t begin to guess. I’ll never know who you are, but I feel sorry for you. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that what goes around comes around.
I don’t have a headache right now. Trick or Treating is tonight, and I will be there. Because life goes on.