Not So Silent

Two weeks ago today, my beloved dog Asia accidentally killed our new kitten. They had loved each other at first sight so I wasn’t as vigilant as I should have been while Asia was eating. I had every opportunity to pick Onyx up and move him out of harm’s way. I didn’t. I was the only one there. Asia gave a defensive warning nip and it broke Onyx’s neck instantly, which didn’t keep him from seizing and bleeding all over the floor. J came in at just the right time and we held him until he finally stilled. The girls saw nothing.

I have deleted every trace of him from our house and photo collection. All that’s left is one more grave in the Cat Cemetery in the backyard. No one blames Asia. No one blames me. But *I* blame me. I killed my family’s joy, after they so recently lost another young cat. I had every chance to prevent that horrific event, and I couldn’t. I DIDN’T. 

We thought we had a line on another kitten, and a plan to keep it safe, but that fell through. Now there are no plans. We didn’t celebrate Mother’s Day. I finally bought myself a watch at Big Lots and it was broken. Only what I deserve. Everything I touch dies. Even Kenya died when j was out of town.

I thought time would heal. But it hasn’t, I’ve gotten worse. I have been in bed for three days and eaten very little and I can’t make myself recover from this. The girls think I have the flu. 

My one hope is that by feeling so deeply I will prevent the trauma headache which always seems to follow such an event, invariably sending me to the ER. So far that has been avoided. But part of me would rather feel that pain than this pain. 

I just want to sleep, and sleep, and sleep.

The ultimate over-sharer, I told no one. I hope this blog post will help me finally begin to forgive myself.


11 Comments Add yours

  1. OMG! That is horrible. But as you said in the first sentence it was an accident. No one’s fault but I understand how you could feel horrible and blame yourself.

  2. Mary Kay says:

    Elizabeth, your Mom let me know about this right away. Your feelings of guilt and blame are natural and to be expected. Anyone would feel exactly like you after such an unfortunate incident. I took a mindfulness meditation class and one of the things I learned was this, that the pain we feel from something is resistance. What you are beating yourself up about is the resistance you feel to what you feel you caused. Mindfulness teaches to accept, not resist the feelings, what ever they are. Acknowledge how you feel. Accept that you feel guilt and blame. It was a fact, It happened. It is ok to feel what you are feeling. It stinks, it’s shit. It sucks. But it is. But it will fade. It will fade. You need more time. 2 weeks is nothing. You are NOT a bad person, You are filled with love and hope and longing for wonderful things. You constantly bring those things into your family. You have light and hope. You have love and the desire and the motivation to continue to bring good and wonderful things into your family and you will always continue to do that. This was an unfortunate incident. But you are a GOODHEARTED and loving person who tries so hard to bring the best into life, You will always continue to do that. So it’s ok to feel the way you do at this time. But you are filled with light and love and the very best intentions and you try with all your might. And you do have wonderful family and friends and supporters who love you more than you know. Wait awhile. A new baby fur ball is waiting for you to be ready and will come to you.

  3. Anna W. says:

    I am sorry beyond words.

  4. I’m so sorry this happened. I know I can’t imagine how horrible it was to see and how you feel, but as the first commenter said, it was an accident. I hope you can forgive yourself cause it really wasn’t your fault. Animals are so unpredictable.

    I came on to check your blog because I hadn’t seen anything from you for migraine awareness month. Now I understand why. Take care and I hope we hear from you soon.

    – Skylar

    1. Thank you Skylar. I have been quiet this month and I appreciate you checking on me. I haven’t been doing that well. xoxo

      1. I’m so sorry. I wish I could do and say more than, hang in there, but please do. You are loved by your family and the migraine community. Sending you lots of love and just want you to know that you are missed and we understand. Take whatever time you need to grieve. xxxooo

  5. And when I say understand, I don’t mean what you feel like. But we understand why you need to step away for a bit. Well, take care. xxxooo

  6. This is today’s prompt. I’m posting it not because I want you to write about it but because it’s a beautiful song: “You Are Loved (Don’t Give Up)” Watch the Josh Grogan video below and listen to the lyrics. How does it make you feel? Which lyrics do you find especially inspiring?

    Here are two other songs I love:

    And the last is a song my mother dedicated to me when I was having a difficult period in life and I dedicate it to you:

    Wishing you a beautiful day.

    – Skylar

    1. Thank you so much xoxo

      1. You’re so welcome! xxxooo

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