I’ve been absent. I don’t really know what to say about it. While my participation in the CGRP Study has been amazing, and I have longer pain-free periods, somehow I end up in the ER more often. Everything in my life is changing. J had to resign from his job over unfair labor practices and while I believe he has a good plan for finding something new, I’m terrified. I don’t want to rely on others anymore for the things we need. I want my daughters to feel safe and secure. My baby is about to start first grade, a milestone which was extremely hard for me when I went through it with her older sister. Soon, I turn 42. I seem to be losing friends, or at least losing the closeness I shared with those friends, faster than I can make new ones. Who am I kidding? There are no new friends on the horizon for me.
I want to feel motivated. I am still volunteering at the museum, working on my Etsy shop (www.Etsy.com/shop/WindInTheDoor) and a member of our Youth Theatre advisory board, all activities I find worthwhile and rewarding. I thought J and I were going to go back to school (together) but scrapped that idea when a week of playing various ghosts at Hogwarts Camp and then a theatre conference landed me in the ER, a migraine from which I still haven’t fully recovered. Attending classes and studying doesn’t seem to be in the best interest of mollyfing Medusa. So I am still collecting meager SSI and have no idea when I’ll be able to work again. The Etsy shop is doing okay, especially for having been open only 6 months, but I wish it would do better so I could feel I’m contributing something. I am doing everything right with the shop, and am continuing to try to do it better, but right now everything feels hopeless.
The kids are growing up. The kittens both died. The house looks like a bomb hit it. There’s no way I’m making it to the County Fair this year. I’m having a hard time getting X interested in practicing her monologue for the fall play which means she might not get a part and will be beyond devastated. Zo’s behavior is getting tougher to deal with as she can’t handle her own negative feelings without trying to hurt others emotionally and her extremely sensitive sister exacerbates that issue. J doesn’t have a job. I can’t have a job. I can’t even get out of bed right now.