Everything Is Horrible – I mean, Fine!!!

My stomach hurts. J has resigned and is wrapping up his cases. And looking for a new job. The changes and our tension make the girls nervous and they are acting out, making it difficult for us to get anything done. We all have colds. I have a fever. And cold sores, which I get from stress. X has auditions tonight for the fall play.

Disability put me on Medicare and things are such a mess that I didn’t realize I had to actively decline it so now I’m on it and it costs money, and my pain therapist doesn’t take Medicare, so I have to call and straighten it out somehow, might be straightforward or it might be hell, but I hate stuff like this. Red tape beaurocratic stuff emphasizing my poverty.

And poor. We are poor. We are so fucking poor. Just applied for Food Stamps again and I know J will get a job and it will be a GOOD job this time, one that isn’t traumatic and pays him what he deserves, and we have help, but it is so scary right now. The cloud of unease has settled on my shoulders and in my chest. I walk around feeling like a zombie. 

School starts next week. A time of year that is always hard for me anyway. And expensive. And heartbreaking. And scary. And X goes to 5th grade camp like the first week. And her molar is loose and bleeding, which I guess is normal at 10, but a huge tooth gaping and filing my daughter’s mouth with blood periodically doesn’t feel normal.

Zo is pretty much an emotional basket case. And is starting first grade not knowing how to read.

And last weekend I had to go to the ER for my standard puking level 8-10 headache. I had to go twice. They didn’t give me multiple doses of pain meds this time and in fact the second time the nurse said “To give you more we’d have to intubate you.” I may have mentioned this in a previous entry; I was very depressed afterward. The first doctor kindly wrote a prescription for tablets which my parents tried to fill for me but because of my pain clinic prescription it wouldn’t go through, so they called my pain doctor, and she approved it because she’s awesome, but now this afternoon I have to go see her and she’ll know I went through my supply too fast and I am very nervous.

The CGRP injection didn’t seem to work as well this time, although I now  am having very few headache issues since the ER, just stomach stuff and anxiety. I get my monthly CGRP booster tomorrow. 

I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff in the wind, and the girls are clinging to me, and all my effort is going to keeping them from falling or even being scared of the heights and danger. “It’s not that far! But don’t look down! This breeze is nothing but don’t let go! And don’t pick on each other! And don’t cry! I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN OH MY GOD!!!!! No- no- I didn’t mean to yell, it’s just this wind- I mean the breeze—”

And worrying does no good. I know that. I know I need to stay calm for them and for J and me too. But it’s so very, very hard.


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