T minus approximately 30 minutes. John got home. I don’t want to get to the records office and have them tell me it’s not there yet.
My heart is pounding. The butterflies have spread up into my chest and shoulders.
John told me of something else he’d thought of that it could be: the white matter lesions that all of us with long term chronic migraine have. Everyone tells us they are nothing. All of us know they’re not nothing (or fear that, anyway, as our memories get worse and worse), but I told John they show up as “white matter lesions.” Very different from vienous anomalies.
I slept from 7:00 pm until I had to painfully wake at 8:00 am to take Isobel to school. My back hurt and I had sinus pain. I took my morning meds and drank a Cherry Coke and settled down in my heart. I checked Facebook and responded to lots more comments of support and began also getting texts and messages and I realized how good it felt to be getting love from my community near and far. Much better than curling up tensely under covers, hoping doziness would come but instead just being pummeled by unpleasant images and sensations.
Instead, I got this image from my one of my best college friends, Kerry:
and I got a haiku from dear friend Timea:
[ haiku for eliz ❤ ]
winter hides the sun
my heart overcast, uncertain
these days are fleeting
Here are the possibilities as I see them:
A) MRI was false positive.
1. We get someone else to look at scans (second opinion – probably would be difficult).
2. We do nothing WHICH SUCKS.
B) Something but not an aneurysm and no one knows what it is really.
1. People will care and want me to get to the right specialists and it’s a big deal
2. No one really cares at all and I don’t get any more respect or physician care out of it and John and I have to figure out what the fuck to do
C) It is a small treatable aneurysm.
1. Just have to talk to Mahmood first then find a new neuro on my own and either treat with meds or do nothing
2. It is made clear it is important I immediately see a very well-reputed aneurysm specialist or brain surgeon.
I feel better having it all mapped out like that. I have the results in my hand and it just becomes multiple choice.
I love you guys.